Dementia is a mental disease that is far-reaching and can affect the entire family, including children and grandchildren. For kids and teens, seeing their grandparents suffer from cognitive decline can be a confusing and upsetting experience. Although the senior affected by dementia requires as much support as possible, grandchildren also need to understand how this disease affects others so they can learn how to cope with changes.
While younger children will probably have a lot of questions regarding Grandma’s condition, older children and teenagers might become withdrawn as a way of coping. Either way, it’s important that parents communicate with their children about the changes so that they are better prepared for the different ways that their grandparent might behave or act.
According to the Alzheimer’s Association, there are many ways that your children or teens may react to this change, including:
As a parent, you need to know that all of these actions are completely normal. These reactions are all typical ways for a child or teen to understand a very complex condition with someone they have loved. Depending on the child’s temperament, he or she will react in a variety of ways. Some may withdraw from others. Others will experience physical pain as a result of the anxiety, such as stomachaches or headaches. Arguments may also arise with teenagers, especially with parents who are devoting a lot of their time as caregivers.
From the beginning, it is important to explain to young children what to expect and how to react to their grandparent’s mental decline. According to Today’s Parent, one way is to compare Alzheimer’s to a common illness that they might have experienced. Ask your child “Do you remember having a fever or cough when you had the flu?” Then simply explain, “Just like your body was sick during that time, Grandma’s brain is sick.” This can give them a concrete and simple explanation about the illness. You should also tell them that even though their grandparent’s cognitive ability might be in decline, Grandma still recognizes love and affection, even if it is just felt in the moment.
One way your child can continue to bond with his or her grandparent is to share activities that they have always enjoyed together. For instance, if Grandpa loves music, have your child play his favorite songs and sing along with them, or if he had a green thumb, suggest that the two of them plant a garden together to create more memories. If your loved one was a great cook, have your child tie on an apron and help cook dinner.
If your young children ask questions about Alzheimer’s or dementia, it is important that you answer in an honest, age-appropriate way. Sugar-coating the message will only complicate things more for them. Kids have very intuitive minds and can understand and observe complex situations more than we realize. Be honest about what is happening to their grandparent. No matter what age your child is, it is probably a good idea for you to inform their teacher(s), as it may also affect their performance in school.
There are several children’s books that are excellent for young children that are trying to better understand cognitive decline, including:
Going through adolescence, as we all know, can be a challenging phase in one’s life. As an older child, your teen may have even more difficulty communicating his or her frustrations about the changes Grandpa is going through and might become resentful of the extra weight he or she might have to pull around the house.
However, fostering the right attitude will help your teen tremendously and taking care of your loved one together could help you and your older child become closer. There are special issues that teens may face when their loved one is afflicted with dementia. For example, they may feel torn about the extra duties they have to perform around the house while still keeping up with their homework and extracurricular activities. They also might refrain from talking to their friends about their loved one’s condition because they are embarrassed about the unusual behavior that Grandma is expressing.
Like young children, teens are very receptive to honest and straightforward explanations about dementia and Alzheimer’s. Even if they don’t respond at first, it is important to keep the communication open about this subject so that you can reach a level of understanding as a family. You can share more concrete information about Alzheimer’s, what it does to the brain and how it will affect your family dynamics down the road, with teens than you would young kids. Teenagers need support no matter what, but this type of news may require even more understanding and comfort as a parent. Let him or her know that feelings they are having are normal and be sure to have regular time spent with one another so that they have the opportunity to communicate their feelings, ask questions or simply “vent” frustrations.
With the whole family on the same page, including your young child or teen, you can give your loved one the support and comfort they need.
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